Panic attack 101

Breathe..I told myself, as I sat in on a virtual session, thankfully not as the primary person heading the session. Breathe… I could feel my chest tightening, and no before you jump to any conclusions, it ain’t asthma, it could be, but it was more than that.

Asthma, in my experience, is a harrowing feeling of being unable to breathe, which in every previous experience of mine has been relieved by the good ol nebulizer, or the puff as a child I work with likes to call it. Take a puff and you are good to go.

Now if only there were a similar solution to my predicament.

Tunnel vision coupled with non-rhythmic breathing, a dissociation with the conversation over zoom. How did I deal with this? By turning off zoom and diving beneath the sheets.

A full blown panic attack, followed by popping my emergency anxiety medication and really hoping for the best.

I do a quick mind scan for all the tools I’ve been taught, with the best of intentions from the very best of gurus. Mindfully notice what you feel, is a common one.

Quoting Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness “The awareness that arises through paying attention in the present moment, on purpose, nonjudgementally”.

Going by that definition, don’t I tick all the boxes? I 100% paid attention to my breath, to the tunneling vision, to the blank white sheet that engulfs my mind. I notice every change, like a hawk watching its prey. I am on the scent, sniffing for any change in my state of mind, so why does it continue to happen?

Why does mindfulness “not work” for me?

I did some reading up, because..well that’s what I do. And I came across 9th grade biology that I conveniently skipped about single celled organisms like protozoa that have fairly simple binary mechanisms for survival. Crystal clear. They move towards nutrients and away from toxins (channeling its inner Russ Hariss here!)

This got me thinking, are we as humans attempting a similar strategy here, unsuccessfully with a much bigger amygdala and PFC, are we in the face of threat (or what we perceive as threat anyway) running towards the less negative emotions and away from the negative ones? Could this be the famous fight or flight syndrome? I move so fast to dissociate from uncomfortable emotions that I don’t pause to think. Is there really a black bear after me? Will this mean the end of the world? Does that incoming phone call mean I’m going to have a bad day? Does that one cough from my dog mean she has something serious?

Could this innate instinct explain habit loops that we are stuck in?

Could this explain why I don’t understand mindfulness?

To be continued….